I’m just going to rant it up in here because of two reasons, I’m really angry at people and the things they do, and also because I don’t understand why or how people can react at a simple question.
So first. During worship this morning, I was singing “Til I See You” by Hillsong Church and it was at the part where we sing “You alone are God of all!” and the drum part generally is really awesome and intense, and I look down to the first row of people and there’s a guy sitting there, not really doing much until that part. Then he all of a sudden starts jammin’ out in his chair and air-drumming to the song and just having a good time. I was like “Yeah! Get it bro!” Then a girl sitting in the row behind him, taps him on the shoulder and looks at him like, “What are you doing? Stop that.” And he stopped and just sat back in the chair. I was like, “HELL NO!!!” Freakin’ heck! He can worship ANY WAY THAT HE WANTS!!! It is NOT your place to tell him how to worship Jesus! We are meant to get crazy, meant to sing out of tune and off pitch! We are meant to WORSHIP. Worship means to proclaim God’s glory, shout His praises, be grateful for what He has done for us, for how He has SAVED us and how He loves us! We are meant to be loud, meant to be crazy, meant to be obnoxious with our worship. That’s just not an option. God calls us to tear our robes and weep before Him! To kneel before His throne and live in His presence! Freakin’ heck. WE ARE NOT MEANT TO BE STIFLED. I hope I’m making that perfectly clear! Make a JOYFUL NOISE unto Him!
Okay, well anyway. Now that I got that off my chest, so yeah :) Thanks for reading.
“10Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”—Psalm 51:10-12
I’m in a serious Florence mood tonight. I haven’t listened to here since the beginning of March, so I’m totally just jammin’ out! <3
Anyway, today I went to a place called Sun and Ski off of 1960 and Champion Forest and I walked in and saw the most glorious wall of TOMS I had ever seen in my life…It was absolutely gorgeous. And I started thinking, how cool would it be to go on a distributing TOMS trip??? So I looked it up and apparently they take 1 person a week to go on a trip to distribute shoes! How cool is that? How amazing would it be to see how blessed people are just by receiving shoes? And how HUMBLING??! I take so much for granted on a day to day basis and these people have close to nothing, at least compared to the US. Its incredible, yet they are so excited, so blessed by just receiving some shoes. Its amazing to me.
SO! Let’s get involved! I picked up a few cards in the store today, and there are just a few steps to get involved: buy a pair (obviously!!!), go barefoot on the One Day Without Shoes, share the movement with others, and if you want to go even further, look to intern and go on distributing trips! Its all on the website (toms.com) so go check it out. :)
Earlier this afternoon I told my friend that all I wanted to see in life was God moving in other’s lives the way He is moving in mine. I am so blessed to have a God who loves me for me, who died and took all of my sin away, and for a God who can completely sympathize with my pain because Jesus went through it ALL and was yet without sin. He is my high priest, my saviour, and someone who loves me unconditionally. He is the reason I have 2 tattoos, He is the reason I am completely free to live the life He has for me, He is the reason I am no longer bound by an earthly relationship! And the more I realize everything He has done for me and is DOING for me, the more I just want to completely break down in worship! I want to tear off my robes and weep for joy! And the only thing I want more than that is to see Him working in others the way He’s working in and through me.
So after I talked with my friend, I went to help build a set for a local musical show and the man I was working with was from South Africa and who has lived in Russia. Amazing man! Anyway, I got the privilege to talk with him about his job and what he does when he’s not building things. He told me that he is the production manager for a multilingual corporation that sells Christian Literature and electronic apps to people and places all over the world. For example, he told me that their company had just received an order for around 5 million copies of an electronic miniSD card with the Bible in multiple different Arab languages to ship to London for this organization to give out to the Arab nations people that will be gathering in London for the 2012 Olympics! How CRAZY is that?! And that’s just one thing that his company does! It was incredible to hear. And when I told him that this was God speaking to me, he replied, “Cassie, I could tell you so many stories about this!” How amazing is that? That was just a glimpse of what God is doing, how God is using other people. It astonishes me.
I’m trying to figure out whether or not I should tell you about the things I’m going to do in the near future…I think I will.
Well of course, as I always do when summer comes, I’m going to dye my hair blonde. BLEACH it to be exact.
I’m going to get my second tattoo, the Hebrew script of Tirzah. I have the english word on my left wrist and I’m going to get the script on my right.
I’m going to Baylor officially, where I am going to study Film and Digital Media (Cinematography, Photography and Graphic Design specifically)
In the summer, I will be going to visit my extended family in Norway where I will be taking photos, exploring and meeting people in another culture.
Also this summer, I will (most likely) be taking a trip to New York for the second time, but this time, instead of for touring purposes, I will be doing mission work with Center for Student Ministries (CSM).
And that concludes (for the foreseeable future) my life plans. LOL but God rarely let’s my plans go as I expect, so we’ll see what spontaneous things HE has planned for me.
The enemy has been attacking me so fiercely today and as my mom said this morning, its Easter week! Its going to be a rough week. Every chance he gets to get inside my head, he’ll take it. If my defense is down for just one second he can get in and spread lies. SO TAKE CAUTION! Arm yourselves with Christ, for He is RISEN and He has the power to take you and turn you into something amazing :)
This past week has been utter HELL. I don’t understand much of what is going on in my life and I can’t begin to explain all of the pain that I’m finally beginning to realize that I buried deep in my heart. But as the week came to a close, as I waited on God and listened to His voice and no one else’s, I’ve realized few things.
*I was caged by rejection. Throughout my entire life, I have lived with the enemy in my ear saying, “They don’t want you,” or “You’re too young,” or “You aren’t worth it.” And I’m here to proclaim to the world that those are LIES. I have lived my whole high school life, my entire middle school journey and every summer in between with those lies ringingin my ears. I suffered from self-injury and the addiction of cutting for 3+ years and it rotted my soul. I lived in fear, in longing, in hell. But God SAVED ME. He has shown me, through different events, different people and one singular event that ripped my heart completely open, that I am valued. I was loved enough to be let go of. I am loved enough to be told no. I KNOW that I am cared for and now God has broken me so He can heal my bleeding heart one level at a time. Now I can live freely, away from any man, from any event, from any lie that tries to hinder me.
*I am restored by God. Specifically His word has revived me. Phillipians 4:4, Revelations 2:7, James 5:8, etc. God has spoken specifically to me through His living word. Every time I pull the drawing of a wolf and a rabbit out of my bible, I read and learn and grow. He has pulled me out of incredibly deep waters and into MARVELOUS LIGHT! I can do nothing but proclaim His praises! Another way God has completely restored me is through worship. Mission Houston 2012 at Woodsedge Community Church was the first time I have ever experienced complete brokenness in the face and presence of God. I was kneeling when Kyle (the worship leader at the time) began to sing “Before the Throne of God Above,” and I literally fell on my face in worship. Tears were pouring out of my face and I couldn’t even sing the right notes, but I was just completely broken before God. I could do nothing but worship and cry and sing random notes. I knew then that I was meant for worship. God has given me that.
*Finally, I am so encouraged by other lovers of Christ. When I met Debs Walker, it was about 2 years ago, she came to speak with her husband about Human Trafficking and I was so inspired! I have a huge heart for that ministry so when she came I asked her, “When would I be old enough to join you?!” (I was 16 at the time) and she said that I had to be 21, but that I should join Young Hope (a ministry [yo-ho.net]) when I turned 18, so I said sure, and I didn’t think about it again for a long time. Then about a year ago, I met Karen Robinson and before she had even introduced herself to me she said, “Cassie! You are so anointed to be a worship leader!” And I thought she was crazy. This weirdo ginger that I met at street church just told me she thought I should be a worship leader? Now she is one of my closest friends and mentors.
When I was half-way through my sophmore year, I met Ryan Nickel and fell in love. We dated for 2 years, and then broke up because of God. He taught me so much about my insecurities, my faults as a woman of God and also my strenghts in God. He helped me through a pretty traumatic physical surgery and he held my hand and was there for me through my most trying year of high school. And I thank God for every moment that I shared with him. I see him now as a growing man of Christ, a leader, a speaker and a true worshipper! I got to hear him speak on the final day of Mission Houston and I was so shaken at how talented he was! It was almost as if I didn’t know him and I was broken! He taught me things I never had heard before. I am SO grateful to God that we are apart because in the end, that is what caused us to both be completely freed.
I met Ariana back near the end of 2011 and she told me she was a singer and being a singer myself, I’m automatically drawn to other singers. Her style was so indie and she was so pretty and I really enjoyed her company! Then I met Andrea and Ruben at a get together. Andrea was the first person to open the door and the first thing she said to me was, “We’ve heard so much about you and that you change your hair a lot! I like it!!!” (LOL I’m smiling as I remember!) At Mission Houston, I got to sit with Andrea and talk about her experiences with Yo-Ho and she was telling me about their monday trips to visit and help and pray for people stuck in human trafficking and it was so incredible! Then I met Ruben and we clicked from the start because he is a photographer! He had the exact camera that I dreamed of having!!! I got to serve alongside him at Mission Houston and watch him photograph everything that God was doing.
After a long while, I started to notice how God was working in all of their lives, how He was/is using them, and the people that are being affected and I sat complete awe! I was so inspired! At first I thought that I was jealous of their lives, that they got to serve and hang out and do such incredible things while I’m stuck in my senior year of high school. But then I read their blogs:
“I am male. I am still learning. I am still growing. I do not completely know what it means to be a man, but I will keep not give up. I do not completely know how to love like God loves, but I will not give up. I am not alone. I am not a pornographer. I am a fighter. I will defend what is right to the bitter end. I will rock the boat. I will not give my God that which cost me nothing. And I will not stop."
“Last week, I realized that I have to learn to leave my heart in God’s hands, and He will be holding me in His arms at my worst. Above all, He showed me that my actions are always between Him and me. He knows my heart and the sincerity of my actions, and He is working on me according to His love and will. Now I feel like I’m floating in the middle of nowhere, but I am in peace because I know that God is guiding me and He is still working on me according my name, OPEN.”
“The inmates were behind big glass windows and holding their ear to the windows or shouting trough a small metal circle with a few holes in it and the families or visitors on the other side trying to get their message trough or trying to understand what was being said to them with their ears pressed to the glass, communication was very hard and everyone was shouting trough the windows trying to communicate. Some people sat silent on opposite sides of the glass using hand signals to communicate or used no words at all and tried to cherish the short moment they had with each other with the thick glass as a wall separating them. A mother with her newborn baby played with her kid as the dad looked trough the glass at his newborn son, a family who visited their uncle made jokes trough the glass and on both sides of the glass laughter was heard. A son and father both pressed to the glass trying to communicate and talk to each other but the thick glass with tiny holes and the shouting people around them trying to talk made it nearly impossible for them."
And I realized something: They are still people. God is still changing them and shaping them into who HEwants them to be. They are just normal human beings with God filling them constantly. I am constantly amazed at how God is using people and changing them and teaching them. Young Hope is just an example. My best friend is going through basically an identity crisis with God and it so extremely interesting to hear her points of view on God and her struggles. Another example is my best friend, Alex. Everytime I see her, the light of God just radiates through her. Everything she says, everything she does, etc. I’m so completely UPLIFTED and INSPIRED by all of these people that I see. I am encouraged to go and live for Christ when I see these people.
Finally, on Friday night, I got to experience one of my deepest layers of pain. I was told to wait. As I’ve been told for the past month and a half now…Wait. Wait on God, in His presence, wait for His voice, wait for His timing. I’m inspired to go, I want to move, I long to be far a head with my life, but God tells me no. Wait with Me!
So here I am. An 18 year old girl, with a broken heart, with no sense of where to go, with nothing, but God. God holds me, and He is all I need.